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chase_acow
Okay, here's 3000 words of my head canon for Steve. And it makes me sad. But both Steve and I tried real hard.
there never is a happy ending (3029 words) by chase_acow
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, avengers endgame - Fandom
Rating: General Audiences
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers
Additional Tags: Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Morally Ambiguous Character, Bucky Barnes Feels
Bucky had just shut the door to his bedroom when something bounced against the window. Steve and Sam were still in the kitchen going over the plans to return the Stones, and most everyone else had gradually drifted away in the week since Tony's memorial. Their house in Brooklyn was modest, but big enough with the two and a half bathrooms it took to let them all live together without killing each other. No one was supposed to know where they were.
ping
Immediately he flicked the light off and crept to the window, keeping clear of the easiest sniper line from the building over and across the street. Using the curtain as meager cover, Bucky glanced outside before ducking against the wall. A single figure, not dressed in tactical gear with a box at their feet, no obvious weaponry, and not a silhouette that he recognized. Bucky was wearing sneakers and civvies, but he had a pistol holstered at the small of his back with a push dagger, and a Bowie strapped to his calf under his jeans. One call would bring Steve and Sam running.
ping
Frowning, Bucky searched his memories. No one had tossed pebbles at his window since he was still in school. Not since Steve had sneaked out of his house so they could listen to Buck Rogers together and plan their own adventures. He smiled at the memory, and then decided to do the most Bucky thing he'd done in years.
The window opened without a noise, he even paused half out to listen to make sure Steve and Sam were still going over data before he dropped to his toes from the second story into the small flower bed on the side of the house. He was still cautious as he made his way out to the street, but before too long he could tell the figure was an old man. A familiar old man. Something about the set of his shoulders, his hands in the pockets of his khakis, or maybe the way he watched Bucky approach with a small smile and a glint in his eye tipped Bucky off.
Or maybe he'd always know Steve Rogers.
"Hiya, Buck."
The box was actually a lunch box, one of those red and white coolers. Bucky approached slowly, cataloging all the wrinkles, the pale hair instead of gold, the loose skin at his neck, but his eyes were the same, clear blue looking at Bucky like he hung the moon. Concern welled up inside, he hadn't been sold on this time travel before, but it obviously wasn't going to work the way Bruce said it would.
"Hey Steve," Bucky said, needing to clear his throat before he could force anymore words out. "You've, ah, really let yourself go in the last ten minutes."
Smiling, Steve stooped to pick up the lunch box. "C'mon, take a walk with me," he said, waving with his other hand for Bucky to fall in beside him. He started walking before Bucky had made a move, always so confident Bucky would follow him to the end of the world.
A couple of long steps and they were even, this older version of Steve didn't seem to be interested in speed so much as settling his feet down carefully one after the other. In the back of his mind, Bucky realized he never really thought either of them would live to old age. "Where are we going?" he asked, glancing over and noticing that while Steve used to have a couple of inches on him, they were now the same height.
"This bench right here," Steve said, stopping and sitting with a little huff of breath. "I brought some of that chewy tea you like. Better get to it before the ice melts."
"Chewy tea?" Bucky asked, sitting next to Steve after giving the surroundings one more once over. Not everyone had moved back yet, and even with the people back from the snap, there were still going to be lots of empty buildings for a while.
"With the tapioca? Y'know the tapioca?You used to love this stuff," Steve pulled out two to-go cups from the box, the liquid milky with the promised tapioca balls filling the bottom. "I'm sure you liked it. You- Oh, the other yous. Well I have it on good authority that you'll like it."
Bucky took the cup, stabbing the straw in the way he saw Steve do it, and took a drink. It was nice, honeydew probably, and the tapioca was fun to chew. He swallowed slowly, then settled back, pretending to a comfort he didn't feel. "Other mes, huh?" he asked, figuring that ironically neither of them had the time to beat around the bush.
"I need you to know that I didn't plan this. Your Steve isn't going to step on that platform tomorrow expecting never to see you again," Steve sighed, looking up at the stars they could still barely see. It probably wouldn't be long before the light pollution took over the skies again. "I regret it. And I can't regret it."
"What happened?" Bucky kept drinking the tea, unable to do anything else while his chest caved in and his blood turned to ice. He'd just gotten back, he'd just gotten Steve back, and there was so much for them to do here and now. It already seemed like an impossible task, how were they supposed to rebuild everything without Steve? At least no one was looking to make the Winter Soldier into enemy number one anymore, but that was one of the only bright spots.
He didn't want to be left behind again.
"Peggy hit me with a chair," Steve said, startling a chuckle out of Bucky. He smiled, eyes far away for a moment before he zeroed back into the present. "I'm no good at stealth missions, you remember that one time I was trying to get intel on the U-Base? Anyway, Pegs spotted me straight away, and was prepared to keep me in solitary for faking my own death."
Margaret Carter had been one hell of a woman, but Bucky couldn't keep any jealousy going, not when he remembered how good they'd looked together. Not now that he knew which one of them Steve would ultimately choose; he didn't have anything to offer not like she did. "How'd you talk your way out of that one?" he asked, squashing down all the emotion threatening to spill out. He couldn't do that to Steve, it must have been hard enough to come back after all this time.
Steve shrugged, "I just channeled some of your charm, Buck, she didn't stand a chance. How could I leave after that? We finally got our dance."
"I'm happy for you, Stevie, you know I am," Bucky said, taking the time to chew some more of his tea. Maybe they weren't all cursed, but this was still a large price to pay. "But I don't think I have to tell you this is bittersweet."
He'd seen Pepper at Tony's funeral, all the friends he'd made and kept, his daughter, and Bucky could easily understand how someone would fight and die to save that. Apparently Steve had lived for it, made the hard choice and for once in his stupid bone-headed life chosen himself and his happiness. Bucky was happy for him, but that didn't mean he also couldn't be sad for himself. Sad for Sam who'd let Bucky tag along with him when everyone else was so busy after the snap.
"I know Buck, better than you know. I had enough Pym particles and ways to get more. Once I started, it was so hard to stop," Steve said, his voice catching as he didn't bother to bottle up his tears. "Obadiah Stane killed Pegs in that timeline. We'd rescued you before Hydra assassinated Howard and Maria, but they still died in a plane crash that next year. We were trying to help Tony, but Stane had still gone bad."
"Oh, Stevie, I'm so sorry-"
"No, it's okay," Steve interrupted before Bucky could gain much steam. He pulled a handkerchief out and wiped his eyes before tucking it back in his jacket pocket. "I killed that Stane, then I killed a bunch of other Stanes, and then I found another Peggy."
"You, oh, Steve," Bucky repeated, the words echoed through his head, the implication of them freezing him. It was all too easy to imagine a Steve who wouldn't stop trying to fix things for the people he loved. He'd torn his own life down before, and hadn't slowed down for anyone else's either when he tried to save Bucky.
Across the street a opossum and her babies scuttled in the shady line around the yellow cone descending from the street light. The animal life hadn't taken long to reclaim their own territories in abandoned cities, Bucky wondered how long it would take them to relearn their fear. His own fear was his constant companion, and it wasn't sure was to make of this version of Steve. He didn't know what to feel about any of this, hollowed out to his gut with only tea to replace anything.
"It was so easy, you have to understand," Steve started rubbing his hands together, staring down now, glaring at the gravel sprinkled across the sidewalk. "I knew that I could get it right. I could have Peggy and save you, treat Tony right, rescue Natasha, find Wanda and Pietro, deal with the Infinity Stones, and end Thanos before he could attack us. Easy peasy, right?"
"Did you?" he asked, setting his empty cup back down in the lunch box. Bucky could imagine those Buckys, saved from Zola, freed from the Russians and the Red Room, Buckys who'd never know Pierce's touch. He didn't bother hiding from that jealousy, a shiver caught his body, shaking and refusing to let loose. He should have put on the hoodie before he left the house.
"Eventually, yeah," Steve shrugged, leaning back and crossed his arms. His khakis rode up, showing off his Spider-Man themed socks. At least Bucky thought it was Spider-Man until he saw the addition of white to the uniform, but when he bent forward to get a better look, Steve pulled his feet under the bench.
Bucky didn't want to know. He didn't want to know about those other Buckys with his Steve, he didn't want to think about what that perfect world had cost. He didn't want to know what had changed so much in the last five years or the last however many years it had been for Steve. His gut recoiled from the idea, but he made sure his expression stayed neutral. It wasn't like he could change anything, not as if Steve had ever followed his advice.
"So what is this? You back?" Bucky asked, not knowing what he wanted the answer to be.
"No," Steve laughed, a soft sound that made his stomach bounce. "I promised I'd babysit the kids tomorrow."
"You've got kids," Bucky said, awed all over again at what Steve had managed to accomplish. The anger was still there, the feeling of abandonment slowing growing, but they'd been through too much for all those complicated feelings to overshadow their bond completely. Kids. Stevie had always wanted kids.
Bucky had always thought he'd be there to spoil them.
"Well, these are actually the great-grand kids, but yeah," Steve rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, going far away again. His cheeks reddened and he briskly shook his head. "I don't belong here anymore. I don't know that I ever belonged anywhere actually. Trust me, the past isn't all it's cracked up to be. The jello molds will ruin you."
"Man out of time, still and always, huh?" Bucky asked, reaching over to take Steve's hand. The skin under his fingers was soft, thin and dotted with spots. Steve's hand might feel vulnerable, but the shape was the same, and their hands still fit .
"I came back so you'd know. It took me a while to work up my courage, but you deserved to know before it happens tomorrow. I didn't mean to leave you," Steve said, releasing Bucky's hand to pat him on the thigh. "He won't come back, but I'll be there. Look to the left, and I'll be waiting. I needed to make sure I could pass on the shield. This world needs a better Captain America than I could ever be for it."
Bucky nodded, not needing much time to think about all the confusion, the anger, the people back and willing to do anything to burn what was left of the world down they'd need to deal with. Carol had already made it clear she couldn't stay forever, and Rhodey would need help when he was back to fighting shape. Rhodey still wasn't thrilled to see the Winter Soldier in his briefings, and Bucky couldn't blame him. But maybe if whoever Steve chose still wanted him, he could help somehow.
"You'll be great, Buck-"
"No, no not me," Bucky cut in, his heart racing a jog that skipped too many steps. He felt cold and then so hot, sweat broke out over his forehead, and his hands shook. "You don't do this to me. Don't do this to me!"
Running was his first instinct, again. Run far enough fast enough, and no one would be able to ask the impossible of him. His muscles bunched, gravel crunched under his boots, but Steve's hand on his shoulder steadied him. The grip wasn't as strong, but Steve's thumb drifted across his collar bone, just like a hundred times before reminding him he wasn't alone.
"Whoa, whoa. I know it might be a little scary, but I also know you can do this."
"No, you don't know. You know some other Bucky, Buckys. Not me. Steve, you don't know me anymore, and if you think I want that responsibility, well I don't," Bucky said, more words bubbling in his throat to be let out. Hurt. Shame. But inside was also the absolute certainty that he was not ready to hold the shield. Not on his own. Maybe not ever, but definitely not now.
Steve was in front of him, crouched down with one hand still on Bucky's shoulder, and the other curling gently through his hair. "It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe. If you don't want it, that's it. Sam's never been a second choice. Will you stay with him though? I'd worry if you were on your own."
Bucky wondered if he really would, if after all this time every Bucky that Steve had ever met had just melted into the best version Steve could remember, another mark he'd never measure up to. But staying with Sam, obviously that's what he wanted. He couldn't hide in Wakanda forever, especially not given the last five years. It was time he gave something back to the world he'd taken so much from.
Somehow.
"Bucky?" Steve asked, ducking his head a little more to catch Bucky's eyes. "I'm here for you as long as you need me, but I'm going to need some help getting back up. Knees aren't what they used to be."
"You punk," Bucky huffed, standing up and bringing Steve with easy hands under elbows. Steve groaned a little, stretching his back, before he stepped away. "Don't worry about me. I got this. Are you spending the night?"
"No, I didn't," Steve said, smiling while Bucky went through the mental gymnastic of tense when the past was your future. He held up his wrist to show the time device Tony had created, and pushed a button, letting the nanotech wrap around his body. When he spoke again, this voice echoed from inside the helmet. "I'll see you tomorrow."
With a flash of blue light Bucky was alone again.
The next day both Steve and Sam commented on how quiet he was. He hadn't picked the black clothes on purpose, he didn't have a lot of options yet, but they still felt right. Riding in the car was like going to his own funeral this time, and not even the jokes Sam tried to make about his choice to ride in the backseat helped anything.
He'd stayed awake all night thinking, hoping, trying to figure out some way everything could still work out. Maybe the older Steve had been wrong. If he'd been timeline jumping as much as he'd said, maybe this wasn't his point of origin. Not every Steve would have decided to stay in the past surely. This Steve hadn't done anything yet, but Bucky couldn't help feeling like this goodbye was the last goodbye.
Maybe this Steve would come back right after he returned everything, just like he said he would.
He didn't.
That was that, even if Steve came back to visit, earlier in his timeline than this older iteration, it would never be the same. Even when they had nothing, they'd always had each other, but now Bucky didn't even have that. Anything could happen now aliens, mystical universe destroying monsters, world devouring serpents, and all Bucky wanted was to go back to bed and sleep for another fifty years.
Bucky could feel the rising tide of panic from Sam and Bruce, but his gut had always braced for the worst even as his heart hoped for the best. Looking to the left, Bucky saw him, an old man sitting on a felled tree stump. HIs hair was gray now, evidently older even than he had been last night. Whatever happened, it was done and there was nothing he could do to change it.
Nodding at Sam, he forced a smile to encourage him to go talk to Steve. They didn't have the baggage he and Steve did, and Sam deserved the chance to have a good chat with his old friend. The shield looked good in Sam's hand, the smile on his face made Bucky's genuine. Maybe they could do something.
If Sam Wilson wanted his help, then there was no better reason to stay in.
there never is a happy ending (3029 words) by chase_acow
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, avengers endgame - Fandom
Rating: General Audiences
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers
Additional Tags: Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Morally Ambiguous Character, Bucky Barnes Feels
Bucky had just shut the door to his bedroom when something bounced against the window. Steve and Sam were still in the kitchen going over the plans to return the Stones, and most everyone else had gradually drifted away in the week since Tony's memorial. Their house in Brooklyn was modest, but big enough with the two and a half bathrooms it took to let them all live together without killing each other. No one was supposed to know where they were.
ping
Immediately he flicked the light off and crept to the window, keeping clear of the easiest sniper line from the building over and across the street. Using the curtain as meager cover, Bucky glanced outside before ducking against the wall. A single figure, not dressed in tactical gear with a box at their feet, no obvious weaponry, and not a silhouette that he recognized. Bucky was wearing sneakers and civvies, but he had a pistol holstered at the small of his back with a push dagger, and a Bowie strapped to his calf under his jeans. One call would bring Steve and Sam running.
ping
Frowning, Bucky searched his memories. No one had tossed pebbles at his window since he was still in school. Not since Steve had sneaked out of his house so they could listen to Buck Rogers together and plan their own adventures. He smiled at the memory, and then decided to do the most Bucky thing he'd done in years.
The window opened without a noise, he even paused half out to listen to make sure Steve and Sam were still going over data before he dropped to his toes from the second story into the small flower bed on the side of the house. He was still cautious as he made his way out to the street, but before too long he could tell the figure was an old man. A familiar old man. Something about the set of his shoulders, his hands in the pockets of his khakis, or maybe the way he watched Bucky approach with a small smile and a glint in his eye tipped Bucky off.
Or maybe he'd always know Steve Rogers.
"Hiya, Buck."
The box was actually a lunch box, one of those red and white coolers. Bucky approached slowly, cataloging all the wrinkles, the pale hair instead of gold, the loose skin at his neck, but his eyes were the same, clear blue looking at Bucky like he hung the moon. Concern welled up inside, he hadn't been sold on this time travel before, but it obviously wasn't going to work the way Bruce said it would.
"Hey Steve," Bucky said, needing to clear his throat before he could force anymore words out. "You've, ah, really let yourself go in the last ten minutes."
Smiling, Steve stooped to pick up the lunch box. "C'mon, take a walk with me," he said, waving with his other hand for Bucky to fall in beside him. He started walking before Bucky had made a move, always so confident Bucky would follow him to the end of the world.
A couple of long steps and they were even, this older version of Steve didn't seem to be interested in speed so much as settling his feet down carefully one after the other. In the back of his mind, Bucky realized he never really thought either of them would live to old age. "Where are we going?" he asked, glancing over and noticing that while Steve used to have a couple of inches on him, they were now the same height.
"This bench right here," Steve said, stopping and sitting with a little huff of breath. "I brought some of that chewy tea you like. Better get to it before the ice melts."
"Chewy tea?" Bucky asked, sitting next to Steve after giving the surroundings one more once over. Not everyone had moved back yet, and even with the people back from the snap, there were still going to be lots of empty buildings for a while.
"With the tapioca? Y'know the tapioca?You used to love this stuff," Steve pulled out two to-go cups from the box, the liquid milky with the promised tapioca balls filling the bottom. "I'm sure you liked it. You- Oh, the other yous. Well I have it on good authority that you'll like it."
Bucky took the cup, stabbing the straw in the way he saw Steve do it, and took a drink. It was nice, honeydew probably, and the tapioca was fun to chew. He swallowed slowly, then settled back, pretending to a comfort he didn't feel. "Other mes, huh?" he asked, figuring that ironically neither of them had the time to beat around the bush.
"I need you to know that I didn't plan this. Your Steve isn't going to step on that platform tomorrow expecting never to see you again," Steve sighed, looking up at the stars they could still barely see. It probably wouldn't be long before the light pollution took over the skies again. "I regret it. And I can't regret it."
"What happened?" Bucky kept drinking the tea, unable to do anything else while his chest caved in and his blood turned to ice. He'd just gotten back, he'd just gotten Steve back, and there was so much for them to do here and now. It already seemed like an impossible task, how were they supposed to rebuild everything without Steve? At least no one was looking to make the Winter Soldier into enemy number one anymore, but that was one of the only bright spots.
He didn't want to be left behind again.
"Peggy hit me with a chair," Steve said, startling a chuckle out of Bucky. He smiled, eyes far away for a moment before he zeroed back into the present. "I'm no good at stealth missions, you remember that one time I was trying to get intel on the U-Base? Anyway, Pegs spotted me straight away, and was prepared to keep me in solitary for faking my own death."
Margaret Carter had been one hell of a woman, but Bucky couldn't keep any jealousy going, not when he remembered how good they'd looked together. Not now that he knew which one of them Steve would ultimately choose; he didn't have anything to offer not like she did. "How'd you talk your way out of that one?" he asked, squashing down all the emotion threatening to spill out. He couldn't do that to Steve, it must have been hard enough to come back after all this time.
Steve shrugged, "I just channeled some of your charm, Buck, she didn't stand a chance. How could I leave after that? We finally got our dance."
"I'm happy for you, Stevie, you know I am," Bucky said, taking the time to chew some more of his tea. Maybe they weren't all cursed, but this was still a large price to pay. "But I don't think I have to tell you this is bittersweet."
He'd seen Pepper at Tony's funeral, all the friends he'd made and kept, his daughter, and Bucky could easily understand how someone would fight and die to save that. Apparently Steve had lived for it, made the hard choice and for once in his stupid bone-headed life chosen himself and his happiness. Bucky was happy for him, but that didn't mean he also couldn't be sad for himself. Sad for Sam who'd let Bucky tag along with him when everyone else was so busy after the snap.
"I know Buck, better than you know. I had enough Pym particles and ways to get more. Once I started, it was so hard to stop," Steve said, his voice catching as he didn't bother to bottle up his tears. "Obadiah Stane killed Pegs in that timeline. We'd rescued you before Hydra assassinated Howard and Maria, but they still died in a plane crash that next year. We were trying to help Tony, but Stane had still gone bad."
"Oh, Stevie, I'm so sorry-"
"No, it's okay," Steve interrupted before Bucky could gain much steam. He pulled a handkerchief out and wiped his eyes before tucking it back in his jacket pocket. "I killed that Stane, then I killed a bunch of other Stanes, and then I found another Peggy."
"You, oh, Steve," Bucky repeated, the words echoed through his head, the implication of them freezing him. It was all too easy to imagine a Steve who wouldn't stop trying to fix things for the people he loved. He'd torn his own life down before, and hadn't slowed down for anyone else's either when he tried to save Bucky.
Across the street a opossum and her babies scuttled in the shady line around the yellow cone descending from the street light. The animal life hadn't taken long to reclaim their own territories in abandoned cities, Bucky wondered how long it would take them to relearn their fear. His own fear was his constant companion, and it wasn't sure was to make of this version of Steve. He didn't know what to feel about any of this, hollowed out to his gut with only tea to replace anything.
"It was so easy, you have to understand," Steve started rubbing his hands together, staring down now, glaring at the gravel sprinkled across the sidewalk. "I knew that I could get it right. I could have Peggy and save you, treat Tony right, rescue Natasha, find Wanda and Pietro, deal with the Infinity Stones, and end Thanos before he could attack us. Easy peasy, right?"
"Did you?" he asked, setting his empty cup back down in the lunch box. Bucky could imagine those Buckys, saved from Zola, freed from the Russians and the Red Room, Buckys who'd never know Pierce's touch. He didn't bother hiding from that jealousy, a shiver caught his body, shaking and refusing to let loose. He should have put on the hoodie before he left the house.
"Eventually, yeah," Steve shrugged, leaning back and crossed his arms. His khakis rode up, showing off his Spider-Man themed socks. At least Bucky thought it was Spider-Man until he saw the addition of white to the uniform, but when he bent forward to get a better look, Steve pulled his feet under the bench.
Bucky didn't want to know. He didn't want to know about those other Buckys with his Steve, he didn't want to think about what that perfect world had cost. He didn't want to know what had changed so much in the last five years or the last however many years it had been for Steve. His gut recoiled from the idea, but he made sure his expression stayed neutral. It wasn't like he could change anything, not as if Steve had ever followed his advice.
"So what is this? You back?" Bucky asked, not knowing what he wanted the answer to be.
"No," Steve laughed, a soft sound that made his stomach bounce. "I promised I'd babysit the kids tomorrow."
"You've got kids," Bucky said, awed all over again at what Steve had managed to accomplish. The anger was still there, the feeling of abandonment slowing growing, but they'd been through too much for all those complicated feelings to overshadow their bond completely. Kids. Stevie had always wanted kids.
Bucky had always thought he'd be there to spoil them.
"Well, these are actually the great-grand kids, but yeah," Steve rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, going far away again. His cheeks reddened and he briskly shook his head. "I don't belong here anymore. I don't know that I ever belonged anywhere actually. Trust me, the past isn't all it's cracked up to be. The jello molds will ruin you."
"Man out of time, still and always, huh?" Bucky asked, reaching over to take Steve's hand. The skin under his fingers was soft, thin and dotted with spots. Steve's hand might feel vulnerable, but the shape was the same, and their hands still fit .
"I came back so you'd know. It took me a while to work up my courage, but you deserved to know before it happens tomorrow. I didn't mean to leave you," Steve said, releasing Bucky's hand to pat him on the thigh. "He won't come back, but I'll be there. Look to the left, and I'll be waiting. I needed to make sure I could pass on the shield. This world needs a better Captain America than I could ever be for it."
Bucky nodded, not needing much time to think about all the confusion, the anger, the people back and willing to do anything to burn what was left of the world down they'd need to deal with. Carol had already made it clear she couldn't stay forever, and Rhodey would need help when he was back to fighting shape. Rhodey still wasn't thrilled to see the Winter Soldier in his briefings, and Bucky couldn't blame him. But maybe if whoever Steve chose still wanted him, he could help somehow.
"You'll be great, Buck-"
"No, no not me," Bucky cut in, his heart racing a jog that skipped too many steps. He felt cold and then so hot, sweat broke out over his forehead, and his hands shook. "You don't do this to me. Don't do this to me!"
Running was his first instinct, again. Run far enough fast enough, and no one would be able to ask the impossible of him. His muscles bunched, gravel crunched under his boots, but Steve's hand on his shoulder steadied him. The grip wasn't as strong, but Steve's thumb drifted across his collar bone, just like a hundred times before reminding him he wasn't alone.
"Whoa, whoa. I know it might be a little scary, but I also know you can do this."
"No, you don't know. You know some other Bucky, Buckys. Not me. Steve, you don't know me anymore, and if you think I want that responsibility, well I don't," Bucky said, more words bubbling in his throat to be let out. Hurt. Shame. But inside was also the absolute certainty that he was not ready to hold the shield. Not on his own. Maybe not ever, but definitely not now.
Steve was in front of him, crouched down with one hand still on Bucky's shoulder, and the other curling gently through his hair. "It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe. If you don't want it, that's it. Sam's never been a second choice. Will you stay with him though? I'd worry if you were on your own."
Bucky wondered if he really would, if after all this time every Bucky that Steve had ever met had just melted into the best version Steve could remember, another mark he'd never measure up to. But staying with Sam, obviously that's what he wanted. He couldn't hide in Wakanda forever, especially not given the last five years. It was time he gave something back to the world he'd taken so much from.
Somehow.
"Bucky?" Steve asked, ducking his head a little more to catch Bucky's eyes. "I'm here for you as long as you need me, but I'm going to need some help getting back up. Knees aren't what they used to be."
"You punk," Bucky huffed, standing up and bringing Steve with easy hands under elbows. Steve groaned a little, stretching his back, before he stepped away. "Don't worry about me. I got this. Are you spending the night?"
"No, I didn't," Steve said, smiling while Bucky went through the mental gymnastic of tense when the past was your future. He held up his wrist to show the time device Tony had created, and pushed a button, letting the nanotech wrap around his body. When he spoke again, this voice echoed from inside the helmet. "I'll see you tomorrow."
With a flash of blue light Bucky was alone again.
The next day both Steve and Sam commented on how quiet he was. He hadn't picked the black clothes on purpose, he didn't have a lot of options yet, but they still felt right. Riding in the car was like going to his own funeral this time, and not even the jokes Sam tried to make about his choice to ride in the backseat helped anything.
He'd stayed awake all night thinking, hoping, trying to figure out some way everything could still work out. Maybe the older Steve had been wrong. If he'd been timeline jumping as much as he'd said, maybe this wasn't his point of origin. Not every Steve would have decided to stay in the past surely. This Steve hadn't done anything yet, but Bucky couldn't help feeling like this goodbye was the last goodbye.
Maybe this Steve would come back right after he returned everything, just like he said he would.
He didn't.
That was that, even if Steve came back to visit, earlier in his timeline than this older iteration, it would never be the same. Even when they had nothing, they'd always had each other, but now Bucky didn't even have that. Anything could happen now aliens, mystical universe destroying monsters, world devouring serpents, and all Bucky wanted was to go back to bed and sleep for another fifty years.
Bucky could feel the rising tide of panic from Sam and Bruce, but his gut had always braced for the worst even as his heart hoped for the best. Looking to the left, Bucky saw him, an old man sitting on a felled tree stump. HIs hair was gray now, evidently older even than he had been last night. Whatever happened, it was done and there was nothing he could do to change it.
Nodding at Sam, he forced a smile to encourage him to go talk to Steve. They didn't have the baggage he and Steve did, and Sam deserved the chance to have a good chat with his old friend. The shield looked good in Sam's hand, the smile on his face made Bucky's genuine. Maybe they could do something.
If Sam Wilson wanted his help, then there was no better reason to stay in.
