this is a very skippable post of family disappointment

[chase_acow]

It had been a couple of months since any communication between me and my mom. But there was a pupper at my animal welfare with her name, and it's an unusual name so it's always fun to find it in the wild, so I texted it to her and asked if their monster dog needed a friend. Her replies were short, we briefly discussed grandma's dog who is now my dog, and then she was done.

So I sat on it for a couple of days.

Then Sunday night I sent her: "The fact that after two months of silence when I break the ice with a cute dog named *****, you don't bother to follow up with a 'hey how you doing?' leads me to believe you don't actually like or care about me much."

And I haven't heard anything back from her.

Two years ago, she asked when I was coming to visit (she's cancelled visiting me a couple of times and I figure I'm the kid, it is my turn to do the driving). I told her that I felt a little awkward declaring my intentions to visit her at her new boyfriends house (I love him, he's great, and he's great for her) and that I'd really like her to be more active in our relationship. I asked her to invite me over at a specific time at least a month in advance and to have an activity we could do together. Her birthday passed, my birthday passed, the holidays approached we were talking for something and I reminded her the ball was in her court. I even said, hey, I'm not asking for anything crazy here. Let's do little homemade pizzas so I can do weird toppings and she could make her very safe sausage in the shape of a happy face. Or she could just use her 30+ years of knowing me to pick a movie she saved to watch with me on Netflix or wherever.

I'm still waiting. I've sent her stuff for her b-day and holidays. She didn't even send me a card the last two years.

I did see her last December for my little brother's wedding. She and boyfriend stopped by the cabin I rented at the lake to watch a football game before we drove to the wedding in which everyone behaved themselves. She wore a funky necklace I'd made her like ten years ago.

I feel guilty.

I mean, she's had a really crappy life. There's no way she wouldn't benefit from some chemical re-balancing. She sleeps so much, which has always been a complaint when I visit. I end up sitting around on my own, and when she is awake it's still just like existing in the same house.

Did I daydream about the fact that maybe my mom who is always on a phone playing solitaire didn't return my text because she was planning a big gesture and would be at my house to take me out for pancakes when I got off work at 8am? Yes, but it was stupid and I knew that. I guess I'll always want my mother.

Some good things:
Saturday night/Sunday morning is my last nightshift for a while.
To celebrate I'm going to go spend a day at salt plains wildlife refuge digging some hourglass selenite crystals.
I've still got some hope about the last job I interviewed for, but I'd better find out one way or another this week.
I'm really enjoying MoonKnight. Steven Grant is adorable and I love him and I'm sorry I prejudged his accent. Jury's still out about Marc.