Fic: The Love that You've Looked For
Aug. 4th, 2009 08:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chase_acow
Title:The Love that You've Looked For
Fandom/Pairing: SPN RPS ~ Jensen/Jared
Rating: PG-13
Word count: ~ 4,000
Warning/Disclaimer: Eventual excessive schmoop. Please proceed with extreme caution and brush teeth after use. No Nuggets were harmed in the writing of this fic.
A/N: Written for the virtual reality prompt for![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
cliche_bingo.
Summary: Every relationship has a rough patch or two, but Jared and Jensen's whole relationship seems to be one pothole after another.
Jared winced when Jensen slammed into the apartment at a quarter to nine and then immediately tripped over one of Harley's toys. He hunched his shoulders as Jensen started cursing and the briefcase went flying hard enough to put a dent in the opposite wall. The apartment was full of cracks and dents lately.
"Jesus Christ, Jared!" Jensen yelled, rubbing the knee that he'd banged against the closet door in his struggle to regain his balance, "Why can't you pick up your dog's shit every once in awhile?"
Harley loped over with his head down and tail tucked from Jensen's tone, and tried to crawl under the computer table. Jared moved his legs and dropped his hand to Harley's head. "Sorry, Jensen, I must have missed that one," he answered. Logging out of his email account, he turned back around, "There's a plate for you in the microwave, just nuke it for a couple of minutes."
He didn't really expect an answer, but he couldn't help the small pang when Jensen silently walked into the kitchen. He smoothed his hands over Harley's face and took a little comfort from his soulful brown eyes. Jared scratched behind Harley's ears and then stood up and walked into the kitchen.
"So, they're really working you hard at the office, huh?" Jared asked, leaning against the doorframe as he watched Jensen move from counter to counter. Jensen kept getting home later and later from his job working in the accounting department of one of the major companies downtown. Jared knew that Jensen loved his job, but he had to draw the line somewhere, right?
Jensen turned around to watch the microwave, his shoulders tight and his knuckles white against the edge of the counter. "I came home as soon as I could," he said, voice wavering between anger and fatigue.
"No, I know. I wasn't," Jared sighed and scrubbed his palm over his face, scratching at his stubble. Somehow he never managed to say the right thing, what he meant to say. He rubbed his eyes, "They want me to take the night shift at work."
So the Everything Store wasn't the most glamorous job in the world, but it paid the bills and gave Jared the chance to take a little responsibility. It was a good first step to owning his own store, a pet shop or maybe a candy store. He managed a crew of a dozen people and took care of the store like it was his own. It was a promotion of sorts, but Jared wasn't sure that he wanted to take it.
"Guess I won't be seeing you around as much anymore," Jensen said, taking his plate out of the microwave and over to the bar. He stabbed his fork into the pasta and twirled it around
When Jared realized that in his boss' office, he'd hoped that maybe it would be enough of a reason for Jensen to tell him not to take it. It didn't look like that was going to happen. "Yeah, I thought we could use the extra money since your mom had to go back into the hospital," he said, letting the sentence drift away.
"So it's my fault you're letting your boss steamroll you?"
"That's not what I said, Jensen," Jared said, falling into the routine conversation they had all too often. Jensen's mom was awesome, and he never minded going the extra mile, but it did get tiring doing it by himself. "You know that I love your mom. It's just that Jeff and Mac could take more responsibility."
"She's my mother, Jared. It's none of your business," Jensen answered, and threw his fork down into his uneaten lasagna. He shoved away from the counter and turned his back, heading toward the bedroom. "I'm going to take a shower."
That night they both lay in bed staring at the ceiling, the space between them an ever widening gulf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sun barely arched above the horizon as Jared slid his key into the lock and quietly let himself into the place that didn't exactly feel like home anymore. He was dog tired from his first night shift; all he wanted was to fall face first into bed and sleep the day away. All the stress slowly caught up to him, wearing away like a river at the bank.
Rosy gold light from dawn slipped into the bedroom and kissed Jensen's skin. The sheet pooled over his waist and twisted down one leg, leaving the other bare. Jared took a second to watch him sleep, peaceful and without any harsh words between them. He wished it could always be that way.
Jared stripped down to his boxers and carefully crawled onto his side of the bed. He felt the world shift as soon as he settled his head on his pillow and closed his eyes. Sleep almost had him when a hand curled around his hip and travelled south down his belly. He was almost too tired to be angry. Almost.
"Look, man, I wiped," Jared growled, tugging at his pillow to bunch it under his head. He rolled over onto his stomach, facing away from Jensen, "but whatever. You do what you need to do. I'll just lay here and go to sleep."
The adrenaline washed away as quick as it came and Jared fell asleep before he'd counted his third breath. He barely felt the fingers at his neck or the soft kiss on his back. When he woke up again, he didn't remember hearing a whispered, "I forgot."
Harley woke him up at a little after two wanting to go out, and Jared yawned all the way outside and back inside to the kitchen. He stowed the leash in its spot and then rifled through the cabinet looking for something to eat.
After a few seconds of fruitless search around bran cereal, canned vegetables, and dry as dust wheat crackers, he finally gave up and leaned down to the bottom of the pantry. He dug behind the dog food until he found a bag of frosted animal crackers. Although he felt a small pang for not eating something healthier, but the pang in his stomach was bigger.
He turned to the refrigerator, but the milk wasn't in the door where it belonged. Instead, the milk carton sat on the counter in a puddle of leaked condensation. Jared rolled his eyes as he poured the too warm milk down the drain before it started to smell. And Jensen complained when Harley left things out.
He took his cookies over to the computer table and powered up the pc from its hibernation mode. Logging into his desktop with his username and password, Jared tired not to get his hopes up; he didn't get an email every day. Looked like his lucky day though, because sandwiched in between an advertisement to make his penis bigger and the daily headlines from channel nine was the username he was looking for: countrynugget.
They'd started talking just over a month ago after they met on a pro basketball forum. Despite supporting different teams, they'd bonded over their dissatisfaction with the way the draft had gone down. Before too long, they were talking about things besides sports and actually had a lot of things in common. Jared didn't know why he kept it from Jensen, but it felt nice just to have something for himself.
Hey Spursguy,
I did another gig last weekend. All the extra practice after work has really started to pay off. I know they're just bar jobs, but I really like it. I wish… I wish my boyfriend could be there, and I know you think I should tell him, but I just don't know what I'd do if he laughed at me. We barely talk anymore as it is. I don't exactly know how to bring it up. 'Hey, baby, I know money is tight, but I'm thinking about quitting my job to play music in dive bars. How was your day?' He'd kick me out and I wouldn't blame him.
Jared totally didn't get that. Not everybody was made for office work like Jensen. If countrynugget wanted to play music then he should get the chance to play music. Jared would make fun of him about his dorky username before he'd ever laugh about something as precious as a dream. If countrynugget's boyfriend couldn't understand that, then he didn't deserve a guy so amazing.
I went to lunch with some coworkers the other day. It was a new place and it had this desert called Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. It had full sized Ding Dongs covered in pistachio ice cream and half a dozen different toppings. I thought about you. How's your diet going? Still cheating?
Several crumbs leaked out of his mouth as Jared grimaced. The diet had been his idea, and he only had himself to blame for how annoying it was. Somehow he'd gotten it in his head that he needed to lose a little bit of weight. It wouldn't have been a big deal except that he'd gained a reputation for starting things and never finishing them.
Half completed home projects and the miscellaneous equipment for another dozen or so abandoned hobbies spilled out of the hall closet anytime they tried to open it. The knitting was probably the one he wanted to forget the most. Jensen had always been supportive before, but Jared didn't want to disappoint him again by giving up his diet. They were already walking on a knife's edge in their relationship.
If it doesn't make you happy, you should just give it up. I know we said no pictures – no info, but I'm sure that you're gorgeous no matter what you look like.
Jared blushed and read through the rest of the letter. His relationship with countrynugget was complicated, but sometimes reading the emails was the only bright spot in his day. He loved Jensen, he did. As the years flew by, they just grew apart and they didn't talk as much. Part of their problem was that they'd never learned how to fight.
In college their friends had gagged over how cutesy they acted together and their inability to be separated for more than twenty-four hours. Even if they disagreed every once in awhile, they'd never fought until they got out in the real world. Now everything got bottled up, and Jared didn't remember how to have a real conversation anymore.
On the other hand, he could talk about anything with countynugget. Well, anything that didn't include personal information or real names. Countynugget let it slip that he lived in Fort Worth too, and he was probably the only Nuggets fan in the state, a fact Jared teased him about mercilessly. They were both gay and going through hard times with their relationships. He thought that they were probably best friends.
It was just easier to talk about things in letters over an impersonal internet than face to face with Jensen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paperwork was one of those necessary evils that Jared hated about his job. Inventory, incident reports, transfer papers, deposit sheets, if it weren't for all the forms, he'd be much happier and have a lot less paper cuts. One day when he owned his own store, he'd probably dump all the paperwork on his lackeys too.
A chiming noise broke the running pipes of the computer screensaver, making him smile. It took him a second to clear off all the paper from on top of his mouse, but then Jared eagerly clicked the small blinking button on the corner of his screen. A chat window popped up.
countynugget: Hey there, hot stuff.
spursguy: hey yourself. you're up late.
countynugget: I don't sleep very well without him here.
spursguy: I know what you mean.
countynugget: Yeah, you've been sleeping with my boyfriend? Can I watch?
spursguy: you kinky shit! I knew you were a masochist, (why else pull for the Nuggets?), but I didn't know you were a voyeur. : )
countynugget: Ha ha. Asshole.
spursguy: I just meant that I don't sleep well without my boyfriend either. I hate the nightshift. I wish he'd just ask me to quit.
countynugget: Man you're in denial. Just spike your clipboard, steal some flowers on your way out, and go sweep your man off his feet.
spursguy: I couldn't. We're not. I don't think we do that.
countynugget: Maybe that's why you're having problems. I'd love it if … I mean it'd be romantic.
spursguy: But, what if. What if I did all that and he still said it was over. What if it's over and I don't even know it?
spursguy: Nugget?
countynugget: We should meet. I feel like I've known you my whole life and I know that if I could just see you everything would be all right. Say you'll meet me.
countynugget: Spursguy?
spursguy: spursguy has logged off
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The door clicked shut in the dark like a shot of finality. Jared didn't move from his spot, leaning back against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed over his chest. The light from the hallway slanted in, covering his face with a golden light until Jensen blocked it out.
"Where have you been?" he asked, his voice low and tight as the headache working up his spine.
Jensen jumped, grunting when he slammed his hip into the edge of the counter. He covered his heart with his hand and flicked on the kitchen light. "You scared the shit out of me, Jared," he said, his chest still heaved up and down. "What are you doing?"
"I could ask you the same thing," Jared replied, holding tight to his temper. The clock on the microwave kept switching digits, time edging closer and closer to one a.m. "Where have you been?"
"I had to work late," Jensen answered, ducking his head as he avoided Jared's eyes. "Why aren't you at work?"
"I called in and told them I'd be late. Told them I had some family problems to work out," Jared said. He stood straighter and took a step closer to Jensen. "See, I got up early and went to your office to take you to lunch. I thought it would be a nice surprise."
He'd finally worked up the courage, thought about the advice countrynugget had been giving him for weeks, and decided that if they were going to fix what went wrong between them, someone had to make the first move. He'd dressed up and felt so happy, like it was the first day of the rest of his life. The receptionist had looked at him with pity in her eyes.
"Imagine my surprise when they told me that you'd called in sick," Jared continued when Jensen only paled but kept his silence. "You weren't here, you weren't there, and now you come shuffling in after midnight? I was worried sick, Jensen! Where were you?"
"Jared, I-" Jensen stopped, rubbed a hand through his hair and still didn't look up at Jared. "I'm exhausted, can we not do this now?"
Jared took another step forward, and wrinkled his nose when he got a whiff of Jensen. He smelled like smoke and beer, stale sweat, and maybe even something a little sweet like a woman's perfume. Jared felt his heart plummet. "Fine," he said, letting his shoulders sag, and he walked past Jensen toward the front door, "whatever. I'm going to work."
"Wait. Jared, baby-" Jensen started, but Jared cut him off.
"No, I don't want to do this either," he said, and then shut the door firmly between them. He tried not to think too hard about what he meant when it said it, but the drive to work and then managing the graveyard shift gave him plenty of time to chew it over in his mind.
When he made it home that morning, he slept on the couch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CN-
I think he's cheating on me.
I didn't expect it to hurt so much. For a while it felt like we were strangers in the same apartment anyway. I never thought he'd do this to me. We loved each other, you know?
I don't know what to do.
SG
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The library smelled like off-brand sanitizer so cheap that it didn't even try to cover up the stink with something nice like lemons or roses. Jared spent a lot of time out of the apartment in the afternoon. He slept on the couch through Jensen leaving for work, and made sure he left before Jensen could get back. All his work might be for nothing; Jensen might not be coming back until midnight, but he didn't want to take that chance.
He finally found a free computer terminal and logged into his email account. Countynugget had been uncharacteristically silent the past few days, and it was eating away at Jared's insides. He knew that the other guy had his own problems, but he needed a friend. He needed someone to talk to.
Relief flooded through him when he saw the message.
Spur,
I know why we decided not to meet. It's kinda weird how quick we clicked, and neither one of us wanted to take the chance that something would develop between us. We aren't those guys. Now everything's blown up. He won't see me, won't touch me, and I don't know how to fix it. I need to see you. If we can just get together and I can hug you and hold your hand, then everything will be all right. Meet me. Tonight at the Cactus Ass Grille at seven. I'll wear my Nuggets shirt. Just come.
Nugget
Jared didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but he knew that he was at the end of his rope. The next two nights were his days off. He checked the clock at the corner of the screen and saw that it was already six thirty. If he wanted to get there on time he had to leave immediately.
He didn't think about it all the way out to the car, didn't think about it while he folded his too long legs under the steering wheel and slammed the door shut. The engine turned over, vents blowing hot air in his face as Jared twisted his fingers around the sticky steering wheel.
It wasn't cheating on Jensen. Jared wasn't going to do anything but be friends with this guy. Besides, Jensen had cheated first. Maybe.
The stop sign seemed redder than he remembered, and Jared paused. If he turned right, he could make it to the restaurant in time to meet this guy who he'd talked to, laughed with, and shared secrets. His heart of hearts told him that something would happen and there wouldn't be any going back. A left turn would take him back to the apartment he shared with Jensen, the man he thought that he'd spend the rest of his life with.
Jared turned his blinker on and made his decision.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The clock ticked over to five minutes past seven and Jared felt a heavy weight lift off his shoulders. Good or bad, he'd made his decision. Harley woofed softly to reclaim his attention and then thumped his tail on the floor when Jared resumed petting him. He tensed when he heard footsteps in the hallway and jumped to his feet the second he heard a key slide in the door.
"Jensen," Jared yelled, and launched himself into Jensen's arms before he could even shut the door. He hunched over, hiding his face in the curve of Jensen's neck and shoulder. Jensen smelled so good, and their bodies fit together perfectly, just like he remembered.
Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and held him tightly. "What's going on? Jared, are you hurt?" he asked, rubbing his hands over Jared's back before he reached up and cupped his palm around the back of Jared's head.
"I met this guy," Jared tried to explain, but paused when Jensen instantly stilled, "I mean, I talked to him online, and it was so easy. Just like when we were back in college and stayed up forever talking about stupid stuff. It wasn't supposed to mean anything."
"Jared," Jensen tried to interrupt, but Jared finally pulled back far enough that he could lift a hand to cover Jensen's mouth with his fingers.
"It wasn't supposed to mean anything, because I talked about you all the time, but somehow it did, and I'm so, so sorry," Jared wasn't crying, but he could have if he thought a little harder about how he'd almost lost Jensen or how he could still lose Jensen. "Jensen, I love you no matter what. I didn't go meet the guy tonight."
"You were going to meet tonight?" Jensen asked, and he sounded odd.
Jared chewed on his bottom lip, wondering what it meant that Jensen didn't seem to be mad. Maybe it was already too late. "Yeah, at the Cactus Ass Grille," he answered quietly.
The sound of Jensen laughing was about the last thing Jared thought he'd hear, but the sound was like a balm on a sunburn. "What?" he asked, but Jensen just laughed harder, the corner of his eyes crinkled. "Jensen, what?"
Jensen squeezed Jared's biceps and pushed him backward until they weren't touching anymore. He waited until Jared finally stood still and then he started undoing the buttons on his shirt starting from the top. Jared wrinkled his forehead, confused.
His confusion cleared up when Jensen shrugged off his long sleeve shirt and stood in front of him wearing a rumpled gray Nuggets t-shirt.
"Son of a bitch," Jared cursed and whistled through his teeth. It made a twisted sort of sense once he thought about it. Of course Jensen was countrynugget.
"I didn't go either, Jared," Jensen said while he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Jared's waist. "I sat in front of the restaurant for ten minutes before I turned around. I'm so sorry. About everything."
"Me too," Jared agreed, hugging Jensen close. He felt their heartbeats racing each other through his chest. "You can quit your job, baby. I didn't know you hated it."
"No, I'll keep the job for now so you can go back to day shifts," Jensen replied, before he kissed Jared, pressing their mouths together for the first time in weeks. Like a dam burst open, he kept kissing Jared's face, his lips, cheekbones, the corner of his eyes and down his jawbone. "I just want you to be happy."
Jared tilted his head, trying to reach Jensen's lips again. They clutched at each other, bruising hard and searching fingers. "I'm happy, Jensen," Jared promised, really feeling the emotion bubbling up from inside for the first time in a long while. "I'm happy with you."
"Come to bed," Jensen whispered.
Arousal shot straight down his belly with just those three words, and Jared groaned, grinding their hips together until he felt Jensen's answering hardness. "I can't believe you kept this a secret for so long," he said, slipping his hands down, into the waistband of Jensen's jeans.
Shuffling backwards, Jensen led them down the hallway that ended with their bedroom. "What? Actually singing in front of people, or my secret online alter ego?" he asked and yanked Jared's t-shirt up until Jared had to let go of Jensen's ass and help or strangle to death in the loose material.
"No," Jared answered when he finally shook his head free out of the neck of his t-shirt. "Your horrible taste in basketball teams."
Jensen stared at him with his mouth open in shock while Jared managed to hold a straight face for all of three seconds before bursting into laughter. Jensen scowled, but his eyes smiled as he swatted Jared's ass. "Boy, you'd better get on the bed before I change my mind," he warned, advancing on Jared like he was getting ready to pounce.
"The only way I'm letting you change your mind is if you want to fall on my knees right here," Jared said, snagging Jensen's belt loops to pull them together again, "because I'm never giving you up again."
"Sounds like a deal," Jensen sighed, angling his head up for another kiss.
Masterpost of fics.
Fandom/Pairing: SPN RPS ~ Jensen/Jared
Rating: PG-13
Word count: ~ 4,000
Warning/Disclaimer: Eventual excessive schmoop. Please proceed with extreme caution and brush teeth after use. No Nuggets were harmed in the writing of this fic.
A/N: Written for the virtual reality prompt for
cliche_bingo.Summary: Every relationship has a rough patch or two, but Jared and Jensen's whole relationship seems to be one pothole after another.
Jared winced when Jensen slammed into the apartment at a quarter to nine and then immediately tripped over one of Harley's toys. He hunched his shoulders as Jensen started cursing and the briefcase went flying hard enough to put a dent in the opposite wall. The apartment was full of cracks and dents lately.
"Jesus Christ, Jared!" Jensen yelled, rubbing the knee that he'd banged against the closet door in his struggle to regain his balance, "Why can't you pick up your dog's shit every once in awhile?"
Harley loped over with his head down and tail tucked from Jensen's tone, and tried to crawl under the computer table. Jared moved his legs and dropped his hand to Harley's head. "Sorry, Jensen, I must have missed that one," he answered. Logging out of his email account, he turned back around, "There's a plate for you in the microwave, just nuke it for a couple of minutes."
He didn't really expect an answer, but he couldn't help the small pang when Jensen silently walked into the kitchen. He smoothed his hands over Harley's face and took a little comfort from his soulful brown eyes. Jared scratched behind Harley's ears and then stood up and walked into the kitchen.
"So, they're really working you hard at the office, huh?" Jared asked, leaning against the doorframe as he watched Jensen move from counter to counter. Jensen kept getting home later and later from his job working in the accounting department of one of the major companies downtown. Jared knew that Jensen loved his job, but he had to draw the line somewhere, right?
Jensen turned around to watch the microwave, his shoulders tight and his knuckles white against the edge of the counter. "I came home as soon as I could," he said, voice wavering between anger and fatigue.
"No, I know. I wasn't," Jared sighed and scrubbed his palm over his face, scratching at his stubble. Somehow he never managed to say the right thing, what he meant to say. He rubbed his eyes, "They want me to take the night shift at work."
So the Everything Store wasn't the most glamorous job in the world, but it paid the bills and gave Jared the chance to take a little responsibility. It was a good first step to owning his own store, a pet shop or maybe a candy store. He managed a crew of a dozen people and took care of the store like it was his own. It was a promotion of sorts, but Jared wasn't sure that he wanted to take it.
"Guess I won't be seeing you around as much anymore," Jensen said, taking his plate out of the microwave and over to the bar. He stabbed his fork into the pasta and twirled it around
When Jared realized that in his boss' office, he'd hoped that maybe it would be enough of a reason for Jensen to tell him not to take it. It didn't look like that was going to happen. "Yeah, I thought we could use the extra money since your mom had to go back into the hospital," he said, letting the sentence drift away.
"So it's my fault you're letting your boss steamroll you?"
"That's not what I said, Jensen," Jared said, falling into the routine conversation they had all too often. Jensen's mom was awesome, and he never minded going the extra mile, but it did get tiring doing it by himself. "You know that I love your mom. It's just that Jeff and Mac could take more responsibility."
"She's my mother, Jared. It's none of your business," Jensen answered, and threw his fork down into his uneaten lasagna. He shoved away from the counter and turned his back, heading toward the bedroom. "I'm going to take a shower."
That night they both lay in bed staring at the ceiling, the space between them an ever widening gulf.
The sun barely arched above the horizon as Jared slid his key into the lock and quietly let himself into the place that didn't exactly feel like home anymore. He was dog tired from his first night shift; all he wanted was to fall face first into bed and sleep the day away. All the stress slowly caught up to him, wearing away like a river at the bank.
Rosy gold light from dawn slipped into the bedroom and kissed Jensen's skin. The sheet pooled over his waist and twisted down one leg, leaving the other bare. Jared took a second to watch him sleep, peaceful and without any harsh words between them. He wished it could always be that way.
Jared stripped down to his boxers and carefully crawled onto his side of the bed. He felt the world shift as soon as he settled his head on his pillow and closed his eyes. Sleep almost had him when a hand curled around his hip and travelled south down his belly. He was almost too tired to be angry. Almost.
"Look, man, I wiped," Jared growled, tugging at his pillow to bunch it under his head. He rolled over onto his stomach, facing away from Jensen, "but whatever. You do what you need to do. I'll just lay here and go to sleep."
The adrenaline washed away as quick as it came and Jared fell asleep before he'd counted his third breath. He barely felt the fingers at his neck or the soft kiss on his back. When he woke up again, he didn't remember hearing a whispered, "I forgot."
Harley woke him up at a little after two wanting to go out, and Jared yawned all the way outside and back inside to the kitchen. He stowed the leash in its spot and then rifled through the cabinet looking for something to eat.
After a few seconds of fruitless search around bran cereal, canned vegetables, and dry as dust wheat crackers, he finally gave up and leaned down to the bottom of the pantry. He dug behind the dog food until he found a bag of frosted animal crackers. Although he felt a small pang for not eating something healthier, but the pang in his stomach was bigger.
He turned to the refrigerator, but the milk wasn't in the door where it belonged. Instead, the milk carton sat on the counter in a puddle of leaked condensation. Jared rolled his eyes as he poured the too warm milk down the drain before it started to smell. And Jensen complained when Harley left things out.
He took his cookies over to the computer table and powered up the pc from its hibernation mode. Logging into his desktop with his username and password, Jared tired not to get his hopes up; he didn't get an email every day. Looked like his lucky day though, because sandwiched in between an advertisement to make his penis bigger and the daily headlines from channel nine was the username he was looking for: countrynugget.
They'd started talking just over a month ago after they met on a pro basketball forum. Despite supporting different teams, they'd bonded over their dissatisfaction with the way the draft had gone down. Before too long, they were talking about things besides sports and actually had a lot of things in common. Jared didn't know why he kept it from Jensen, but it felt nice just to have something for himself.
Hey Spursguy,
I did another gig last weekend. All the extra practice after work has really started to pay off. I know they're just bar jobs, but I really like it. I wish… I wish my boyfriend could be there, and I know you think I should tell him, but I just don't know what I'd do if he laughed at me. We barely talk anymore as it is. I don't exactly know how to bring it up. 'Hey, baby, I know money is tight, but I'm thinking about quitting my job to play music in dive bars. How was your day?' He'd kick me out and I wouldn't blame him.
Jared totally didn't get that. Not everybody was made for office work like Jensen. If countrynugget wanted to play music then he should get the chance to play music. Jared would make fun of him about his dorky username before he'd ever laugh about something as precious as a dream. If countrynugget's boyfriend couldn't understand that, then he didn't deserve a guy so amazing.
I went to lunch with some coworkers the other day. It was a new place and it had this desert called Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. It had full sized Ding Dongs covered in pistachio ice cream and half a dozen different toppings. I thought about you. How's your diet going? Still cheating?
Several crumbs leaked out of his mouth as Jared grimaced. The diet had been his idea, and he only had himself to blame for how annoying it was. Somehow he'd gotten it in his head that he needed to lose a little bit of weight. It wouldn't have been a big deal except that he'd gained a reputation for starting things and never finishing them.
Half completed home projects and the miscellaneous equipment for another dozen or so abandoned hobbies spilled out of the hall closet anytime they tried to open it. The knitting was probably the one he wanted to forget the most. Jensen had always been supportive before, but Jared didn't want to disappoint him again by giving up his diet. They were already walking on a knife's edge in their relationship.
If it doesn't make you happy, you should just give it up. I know we said no pictures – no info, but I'm sure that you're gorgeous no matter what you look like.
Jared blushed and read through the rest of the letter. His relationship with countrynugget was complicated, but sometimes reading the emails was the only bright spot in his day. He loved Jensen, he did. As the years flew by, they just grew apart and they didn't talk as much. Part of their problem was that they'd never learned how to fight.
In college their friends had gagged over how cutesy they acted together and their inability to be separated for more than twenty-four hours. Even if they disagreed every once in awhile, they'd never fought until they got out in the real world. Now everything got bottled up, and Jared didn't remember how to have a real conversation anymore.
On the other hand, he could talk about anything with countynugget. Well, anything that didn't include personal information or real names. Countynugget let it slip that he lived in Fort Worth too, and he was probably the only Nuggets fan in the state, a fact Jared teased him about mercilessly. They were both gay and going through hard times with their relationships. He thought that they were probably best friends.
It was just easier to talk about things in letters over an impersonal internet than face to face with Jensen.
Paperwork was one of those necessary evils that Jared hated about his job. Inventory, incident reports, transfer papers, deposit sheets, if it weren't for all the forms, he'd be much happier and have a lot less paper cuts. One day when he owned his own store, he'd probably dump all the paperwork on his lackeys too.
A chiming noise broke the running pipes of the computer screensaver, making him smile. It took him a second to clear off all the paper from on top of his mouse, but then Jared eagerly clicked the small blinking button on the corner of his screen. A chat window popped up.
countynugget: Hey there, hot stuff.
spursguy: hey yourself. you're up late.
countynugget: I don't sleep very well without him here.
spursguy: I know what you mean.
countynugget: Yeah, you've been sleeping with my boyfriend? Can I watch?
spursguy: you kinky shit! I knew you were a masochist, (why else pull for the Nuggets?), but I didn't know you were a voyeur. : )
countynugget: Ha ha. Asshole.
spursguy: I just meant that I don't sleep well without my boyfriend either. I hate the nightshift. I wish he'd just ask me to quit.
countynugget: Man you're in denial. Just spike your clipboard, steal some flowers on your way out, and go sweep your man off his feet.
spursguy: I couldn't. We're not. I don't think we do that.
countynugget: Maybe that's why you're having problems. I'd love it if … I mean it'd be romantic.
spursguy: But, what if. What if I did all that and he still said it was over. What if it's over and I don't even know it?
spursguy: Nugget?
countynugget: We should meet. I feel like I've known you my whole life and I know that if I could just see you everything would be all right. Say you'll meet me.
countynugget: Spursguy?
spursguy: spursguy has logged off
The door clicked shut in the dark like a shot of finality. Jared didn't move from his spot, leaning back against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed over his chest. The light from the hallway slanted in, covering his face with a golden light until Jensen blocked it out.
"Where have you been?" he asked, his voice low and tight as the headache working up his spine.
Jensen jumped, grunting when he slammed his hip into the edge of the counter. He covered his heart with his hand and flicked on the kitchen light. "You scared the shit out of me, Jared," he said, his chest still heaved up and down. "What are you doing?"
"I could ask you the same thing," Jared replied, holding tight to his temper. The clock on the microwave kept switching digits, time edging closer and closer to one a.m. "Where have you been?"
"I had to work late," Jensen answered, ducking his head as he avoided Jared's eyes. "Why aren't you at work?"
"I called in and told them I'd be late. Told them I had some family problems to work out," Jared said. He stood straighter and took a step closer to Jensen. "See, I got up early and went to your office to take you to lunch. I thought it would be a nice surprise."
He'd finally worked up the courage, thought about the advice countrynugget had been giving him for weeks, and decided that if they were going to fix what went wrong between them, someone had to make the first move. He'd dressed up and felt so happy, like it was the first day of the rest of his life. The receptionist had looked at him with pity in her eyes.
"Imagine my surprise when they told me that you'd called in sick," Jared continued when Jensen only paled but kept his silence. "You weren't here, you weren't there, and now you come shuffling in after midnight? I was worried sick, Jensen! Where were you?"
"Jared, I-" Jensen stopped, rubbed a hand through his hair and still didn't look up at Jared. "I'm exhausted, can we not do this now?"
Jared took another step forward, and wrinkled his nose when he got a whiff of Jensen. He smelled like smoke and beer, stale sweat, and maybe even something a little sweet like a woman's perfume. Jared felt his heart plummet. "Fine," he said, letting his shoulders sag, and he walked past Jensen toward the front door, "whatever. I'm going to work."
"Wait. Jared, baby-" Jensen started, but Jared cut him off.
"No, I don't want to do this either," he said, and then shut the door firmly between them. He tried not to think too hard about what he meant when it said it, but the drive to work and then managing the graveyard shift gave him plenty of time to chew it over in his mind.
When he made it home that morning, he slept on the couch.
CN-
I think he's cheating on me.
I didn't expect it to hurt so much. For a while it felt like we were strangers in the same apartment anyway. I never thought he'd do this to me. We loved each other, you know?
I don't know what to do.
SG
The library smelled like off-brand sanitizer so cheap that it didn't even try to cover up the stink with something nice like lemons or roses. Jared spent a lot of time out of the apartment in the afternoon. He slept on the couch through Jensen leaving for work, and made sure he left before Jensen could get back. All his work might be for nothing; Jensen might not be coming back until midnight, but he didn't want to take that chance.
He finally found a free computer terminal and logged into his email account. Countynugget had been uncharacteristically silent the past few days, and it was eating away at Jared's insides. He knew that the other guy had his own problems, but he needed a friend. He needed someone to talk to.
Relief flooded through him when he saw the message.
Spur,
I know why we decided not to meet. It's kinda weird how quick we clicked, and neither one of us wanted to take the chance that something would develop between us. We aren't those guys. Now everything's blown up. He won't see me, won't touch me, and I don't know how to fix it. I need to see you. If we can just get together and I can hug you and hold your hand, then everything will be all right. Meet me. Tonight at the Cactus Ass Grille at seven. I'll wear my Nuggets shirt. Just come.
Nugget
Jared didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but he knew that he was at the end of his rope. The next two nights were his days off. He checked the clock at the corner of the screen and saw that it was already six thirty. If he wanted to get there on time he had to leave immediately.
He didn't think about it all the way out to the car, didn't think about it while he folded his too long legs under the steering wheel and slammed the door shut. The engine turned over, vents blowing hot air in his face as Jared twisted his fingers around the sticky steering wheel.
It wasn't cheating on Jensen. Jared wasn't going to do anything but be friends with this guy. Besides, Jensen had cheated first. Maybe.
The stop sign seemed redder than he remembered, and Jared paused. If he turned right, he could make it to the restaurant in time to meet this guy who he'd talked to, laughed with, and shared secrets. His heart of hearts told him that something would happen and there wouldn't be any going back. A left turn would take him back to the apartment he shared with Jensen, the man he thought that he'd spend the rest of his life with.
Jared turned his blinker on and made his decision.
The clock ticked over to five minutes past seven and Jared felt a heavy weight lift off his shoulders. Good or bad, he'd made his decision. Harley woofed softly to reclaim his attention and then thumped his tail on the floor when Jared resumed petting him. He tensed when he heard footsteps in the hallway and jumped to his feet the second he heard a key slide in the door.
"Jensen," Jared yelled, and launched himself into Jensen's arms before he could even shut the door. He hunched over, hiding his face in the curve of Jensen's neck and shoulder. Jensen smelled so good, and their bodies fit together perfectly, just like he remembered.
Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and held him tightly. "What's going on? Jared, are you hurt?" he asked, rubbing his hands over Jared's back before he reached up and cupped his palm around the back of Jared's head.
"I met this guy," Jared tried to explain, but paused when Jensen instantly stilled, "I mean, I talked to him online, and it was so easy. Just like when we were back in college and stayed up forever talking about stupid stuff. It wasn't supposed to mean anything."
"Jared," Jensen tried to interrupt, but Jared finally pulled back far enough that he could lift a hand to cover Jensen's mouth with his fingers.
"It wasn't supposed to mean anything, because I talked about you all the time, but somehow it did, and I'm so, so sorry," Jared wasn't crying, but he could have if he thought a little harder about how he'd almost lost Jensen or how he could still lose Jensen. "Jensen, I love you no matter what. I didn't go meet the guy tonight."
"You were going to meet tonight?" Jensen asked, and he sounded odd.
Jared chewed on his bottom lip, wondering what it meant that Jensen didn't seem to be mad. Maybe it was already too late. "Yeah, at the Cactus Ass Grille," he answered quietly.
The sound of Jensen laughing was about the last thing Jared thought he'd hear, but the sound was like a balm on a sunburn. "What?" he asked, but Jensen just laughed harder, the corner of his eyes crinkled. "Jensen, what?"
Jensen squeezed Jared's biceps and pushed him backward until they weren't touching anymore. He waited until Jared finally stood still and then he started undoing the buttons on his shirt starting from the top. Jared wrinkled his forehead, confused.
His confusion cleared up when Jensen shrugged off his long sleeve shirt and stood in front of him wearing a rumpled gray Nuggets t-shirt.
"Son of a bitch," Jared cursed and whistled through his teeth. It made a twisted sort of sense once he thought about it. Of course Jensen was countrynugget.
"I didn't go either, Jared," Jensen said while he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Jared's waist. "I sat in front of the restaurant for ten minutes before I turned around. I'm so sorry. About everything."
"Me too," Jared agreed, hugging Jensen close. He felt their heartbeats racing each other through his chest. "You can quit your job, baby. I didn't know you hated it."
"No, I'll keep the job for now so you can go back to day shifts," Jensen replied, before he kissed Jared, pressing their mouths together for the first time in weeks. Like a dam burst open, he kept kissing Jared's face, his lips, cheekbones, the corner of his eyes and down his jawbone. "I just want you to be happy."
Jared tilted his head, trying to reach Jensen's lips again. They clutched at each other, bruising hard and searching fingers. "I'm happy, Jensen," Jared promised, really feeling the emotion bubbling up from inside for the first time in a long while. "I'm happy with you."
"Come to bed," Jensen whispered.
Arousal shot straight down his belly with just those three words, and Jared groaned, grinding their hips together until he felt Jensen's answering hardness. "I can't believe you kept this a secret for so long," he said, slipping his hands down, into the waistband of Jensen's jeans.
Shuffling backwards, Jensen led them down the hallway that ended with their bedroom. "What? Actually singing in front of people, or my secret online alter ego?" he asked and yanked Jared's t-shirt up until Jared had to let go of Jensen's ass and help or strangle to death in the loose material.
"No," Jared answered when he finally shook his head free out of the neck of his t-shirt. "Your horrible taste in basketball teams."
Jensen stared at him with his mouth open in shock while Jared managed to hold a straight face for all of three seconds before bursting into laughter. Jensen scowled, but his eyes smiled as he swatted Jared's ass. "Boy, you'd better get on the bed before I change my mind," he warned, advancing on Jared like he was getting ready to pounce.
"The only way I'm letting you change your mind is if you want to fall on my knees right here," Jared said, snagging Jensen's belt loops to pull them together again, "because I'm never giving you up again."
"Sounds like a deal," Jensen sighed, angling his head up for another kiss.
Masterpost of fics.
